desire

was watching good will hunting with my cousins last night and it made me think... uh-oh

i think a lot of people are like will hunting, they have this incredible drive to avoid change. i would say i am normally like that, but i also know what it feels like to ditch everything you know and change your life completely. i flipped my life last year and it wasn't a disaster, it wasn't perfect either. i would say the only thing i know is that it wasn't easy, but it was way way worth it. i am still picking up the pieces, life can be awkward with change because you don't know what you are getting.

i was asked fairly recently if i could do it again? start over. well, i could (but not for a while cause i don't have the cash stash to start over) but i am not going to do it alone. i actually enjoy it a bit. you get to start completely fresh. it can be frustrating, but it might just be worth it.

will hunting was scared to let people in, abandonment, rejection whatever. he relied on his head and not his heart. how normal for people in general, you get burned a couple of times so you no longer try it again. will did not know what he actually wanted, he just lived what he knew. he avoided change because he could not control it if he pursued it... but is life worth only living in what we know?

so the question i got to thinking about is, 'what do you really want?' seriously, stop reading this crap and actually think about it, but simplify it to only 'one' thing. go.

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what came to your mind? i imagine the first couple things that came to your mind was something about god and intimacy? or a good life? or contentment? i had those thoughts too, because i think we are trained to answer it that way. avoid the money, wealth thing because that is selfish, avoid the fame because that is shallow. hit the god thing because that is what we are 'supposed' to think or guilt pushes us to think that way (don't take this the wrong way, it may just the best answer, but i think alot of us think of this answer through guilt of not living it now).

here is my answer... i think i want to connect with one person on a soul level where when i am in the pits, that is the one person i want to go to (or can handle)... or when i accomplish something huge, she would be the first person i would want to tell. i would give up wealth, comfort, ease just so i could have some girl to desire and desire me.

don't get me wrong, i do desire to grow close to god, to have this intimacy with him. but the problem is i don't think we physically can on earth. we were created to be consumed by god, right? but with the whole fall, we are physically separated from the creator (by creation, well skewed creation) and can only return to that when we return to the actual state we were created for. (why we have to take this earth step, i don't really know?) is my philosophy even correct? i don't know, but god desires us to journey towards him every single day of our lives, so we can have a piece of what will come.

but i am just not convinced that we can have that actual, real consuming feeling with god on earth. it is almost as if we just get glimpses of it to give us hope and to push on. the journey is the blessing, but the end will come when we live in the true presence of god.

so that leaves me to think that the one thing i want is vulnerability and intimacy with some girl (perfect for me) on earth. that that would be the ultimate glimpse of what is really coming for us because that is the ultimate one thing that we can actually comprehend here.?

that doesn't mean i am desperate at all, nor does it mean that it is the only thing that consumes me, but really, what else is more important than relationships and there are only a few relationships that can mimic what god created us for, himself.

am i wrong here? do i have it flipped, should the one thing that i really desire be intimacy with god? let the things here take second? any thoughts? did the thomas mertons, richard fosters, pauls, peters, bonhoffers, rich mullenses, brendan mannings, lewises, moodys, luthers, francaises.. did they really feel consumed by god?

its hot in denver and i am just rambling. hope you all are having a good day.

ericj.