Thursday, July 28, 2005

ok, ok

i feel like my creative juices have been sucked dry the last few weeks. as you can tell from my posts (or lack thereof), i have been kinda discouraged lately. i feel like i broke it a couple of days ago and things have been clicking again.

you know how you get stuck in a rut and things get so narrow. i have been feeling very suffocated lately, even after moving and working so hard. just recently i have been able to think about things big picture again, and that is cool.

the idea of having dreams that span beyond a neighborhood and enter the international realm are really exciting. i wish i had more money because i have a lot of ideas :)

subject change, kind of... i want a more routine life. anyone have any ideas? i definitely need to wake up earlier, i think my day would feel much better. i have ideas of reading more and resting more but i can not get rested right now because i feel i have so much i need to do. my life is too hectic, it is hard to accomplish my simple goals of getting outdoors more and investing more time into music and other creative mediums when i feel like i have to work all the time.

yikes, this life stuff is crazy, the day i feel like i have it all together, something will happen to shake it up. i love life.

peace yall


i will write something tonight. been running around all week and haven't had much chance to do much of any writing.

my mind is a bit clogged anyway.

Friday, July 22, 2005



been a bit swamped lately. i will have time to write something tomorrow or saturday...

it's been really hot out here as well, kinda makes you slow down. though i did go for a nice trail run tonight, yikes, will take a while to hydrate and recover again :)

oh, my desk is almost done at the house, so i wll have a place to put stuff again. then pictures, i promise


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

1 of my 43 things

i have been having a problem with snoozing lately. i need to start getting up right when my alarm clocks goes off. it is easy if i have something to get too.

Test post

I am doing 43 things.

Saturday, July 16, 2005


was watching good will hunting with my cousins last night and it made me think... uh-oh

i think a lot of people are like will hunting, they have this incredible drive to avoid change. i would say i am normally like that, but i also know what it feels like to ditch everything you know and change your life completely. i flipped my life last year and it wasn't a disaster, it wasn't perfect either. i would say the only thing i know is that it wasn't easy, but it was way way worth it. i am still picking up the pieces, life can be awkward with change because you don't know what you are getting.

i was asked fairly recently if i could do it again? start over. well, i could (but not for a while cause i don't have the cash stash to start over) but i am not going to do it alone. i actually enjoy it a bit. you get to start completely fresh. it can be frustrating, but it might just be worth it.

will hunting was scared to let people in, abandonment, rejection whatever. he relied on his head and not his heart. how normal for people in general, you get burned a couple of times so you no longer try it again. will did not know what he actually wanted, he just lived what he knew. he avoided change because he could not control it if he pursued it... but is life worth only living in what we know?

so the question i got to thinking about is, 'what do you really want?' seriously, stop reading this crap and actually think about it, but simplify it to only 'one' thing. go.


what came to your mind? i imagine the first couple things that came to your mind was something about god and intimacy? or a good life? or contentment? i had those thoughts too, because i think we are trained to answer it that way. avoid the money, wealth thing because that is selfish, avoid the fame because that is shallow. hit the god thing because that is what we are 'supposed' to think or guilt pushes us to think that way (don't take this the wrong way, it may just the best answer, but i think alot of us think of this answer through guilt of not living it now).

here is my answer... i think i want to connect with one person on a soul level where when i am in the pits, that is the one person i want to go to (or can handle)... or when i accomplish something huge, she would be the first person i would want to tell. i would give up wealth, comfort, ease just so i could have some girl to desire and desire me.

don't get me wrong, i do desire to grow close to god, to have this intimacy with him. but the problem is i don't think we physically can on earth. we were created to be consumed by god, right? but with the whole fall, we are physically separated from the creator (by creation, well skewed creation) and can only return to that when we return to the actual state we were created for. (why we have to take this earth step, i don't really know?) is my philosophy even correct? i don't know, but god desires us to journey towards him every single day of our lives, so we can have a piece of what will come.

but i am just not convinced that we can have that actual, real consuming feeling with god on earth. it is almost as if we just get glimpses of it to give us hope and to push on. the journey is the blessing, but the end will come when we live in the true presence of god.

so that leaves me to think that the one thing i want is vulnerability and intimacy with some girl (perfect for me) on earth. that that would be the ultimate glimpse of what is really coming for us because that is the ultimate one thing that we can actually comprehend here.?

that doesn't mean i am desperate at all, nor does it mean that it is the only thing that consumes me, but really, what else is more important than relationships and there are only a few relationships that can mimic what god created us for, himself.

am i wrong here? do i have it flipped, should the one thing that i really desire be intimacy with god? let the things here take second? any thoughts? did the thomas mertons, richard fosters, pauls, peters, bonhoffers, rich mullenses, brendan mannings, lewises, moodys, luthers, francaises.. did they really feel consumed by god?

its hot in denver and i am just rambling. hope you all are having a good day.


Tuesday, July 12, 2005


well, i guess it has been one of those weeks. you know, where you are pretty busy with life and just uninspired to be very creative. i have this desire to have all this important life changing philosophical stuff to say... about all these deep, meaningful thoughts that are constantly passing through my brain (yeah right) but when you dont have a lot of deep, meaningful things to think about or you ignore them to think about the busyness you have to take on, things get kinda hum drum.

i did get a chance to finish a good book the other night (albeit, pretty late) and it had to do with the whole struggle between 'we' i.e. community (soft end) or communism (hard end) vs. 'i' i.e. creative freedoms (soft end) versus selfish gain (hard end). the book (anthem, by ayn rand) comes from a completely opposite upbringing but is really thought provoking.

here was my realization, ayn rand grew up in communist russia and wrote about how true liberation is through the self (communism-- hard end vs. creative freedoms (soft end). i grew up in a complete capitolistic society and am constantly trying to incorporate community into my life (selfish gain -- hard end vs. community -- soft end). interesting. i can understand why she would write soo much about the necessity for personal freedom. i really think if she lived in a society like ours, she would almost write the opposite story... at least i would.

it is a good read, you should read it. about 120 pages, pretty quick. makes you think about how oppressive communist russia really was because community and the 'we' sense of solidarity are really quite powerful, impressive, and honestly... appealing. but the book really shuns a lot of socialist viewpoints for the sake that her experience (guess) was so rigid.

i read about how she feels the individual is the 'god,' and i think that is crap. but, coming from her background, maybe it isn't meant to be *that* strong, maybe the individual (even just a little creative self freedom) is powerful and beautiful.

even though the book was a bit extreme for my socialist tendancies, the end has a great point about using the individual mind instead of relying on the collective. i wish there was more thought about using the heart, which can include some collective yet adding personal creativitly for the ultimate good of both self and society than relying totally on the self mind to conquer all problems.

yikes, i guess i did have a little bit of creative juices in my head, probably doesnt make much sense though.

have a good day.

Friday, July 08, 2005

writer's block

i am just uninspired to write anything right now. maybe it is the heat. regardless, i may bubble up enough steam to do some writing tonight. maybe not.

i gots myself a busy weekend too.

Monday, July 04, 2005

reading and poetry

well, let me ask you all a question. i have never been much of a reader and i am interested in learning. how can you lose the anxiety of doing something else when you are reading? that's the big question. it is really difficult for me just to read books and what not. i get into a few every now and again and blaze through them. i love reading at airports and at coffee shops. maybe i should just do that, go to airports and coffee shops to get my reading fix.

but how do you live a more simplified life as a reader and have to go to a coffee house everytime i want to read? that doesn't seem like an analogous pattern. maybe it is.

golden doesn't offer much in the way of late night non-bar hang outs. well see, this whole move, simplification process is new to me. lots to learn.

tonight, i did have a great time just chill'n with some friends (neighbors actually) just around the way. we just chatted, ate, and read poetry. i really liked it, kinda like what we did back in the day before bars were the major source for social activities.

on that same line of thought, i have been thinking quite a bit about living in community of sorts. dont know how that is going to play out either because proximity community will not work since i just bought a condo, and it is fairly small. but the ideas behind community (shared lives) really appeals to me lately and i want to live it out a bit. all this stuff is just at the beginning stages but i really feel like my life will be radically different in a few years.

i think i might be the only realtor in the whole world that actually doesn't care about making tons of money and actually enjoys living in smaller spaces close to neighbors and friends. i think the american dream (crap if you ask me) is to get that big house far from your neighbors. bah, community is better.

i say that now without kids, i suppose that thought process might change, but really, is that all necessary? i have never been a white picket fence kinda guy, i actually enjoy neighborhoods with some diversity of sorts. i think schools will be a big deal for me, but i aint gonna worry about that now :)


change of topic really quick. we were chatting tonight about some music and what not and we were listening to jack johnson. one of my peeps mentioned that she loved this certain song because it makes her think of love. i think that is really cool. that happen to you? i know it does to me. i have those songs that i love to listen to because they put in a me a longing, a longing for something else. i suppose it might be love but its the longing the creates that feeling.