Thursday, December 29, 2005


had a great christmas... tell more tomorrow.

Friday, December 16, 2005


i am feeling very informational lately. i guess it comes out in the way i talk and even in the way i write. i want to be able to express my 'feelings' better (whatever that means) but i always seem to just relay information.

how do you exactly get around that... i suppose i can, for example, talk about how i 'felt' during an informational piece. ok, lets try it.

yesterday i went skiing, the snow was awesome but it was really cold. a perfect sunny day that did warm up. i ended up on blacks all day long... i found a great hill with tons of bumps but a really, really smooth edge with about a foot or so of powder. i hit bumps for half the hill, then all powder. my last run was on these soft bump blues that make you skip on your board like crazy, well, i rocked them and didn't skip. a great run to end on.

(informational with feelings)
yesterday was my day off for me and i really needed a break from the stress... so i went skiing. when i woke up, i considered sleeping, but i had to meet phil at 6 so i just got up and after the meeting got the courage to head up to the hills. the first half of the trip i listened to some chill music, cant remember exactly, but my guess would be some reggae i had. the last half i put in some great aesop rock to get me in the mood.

since i have a pass, i got out on the hill right away and went to the chairlift. i haphazardly sat with my friend evan who is a very fast skiier... i went with him and my friend, eric, to a-basin and they made me really scared (edited for mother, i.e. did stupid things on skis)... so that was cool, we caught up a bit and skiied together for a few runs. it was so exhilerating the first run, the snow was awesome, but it was a bit cold. after one run, my body was getting warm though. i was really stressed because there were some loose ends on a closing i had today and i needed to get them tied up, obviously. so i stayed inside for a few minutes after a run or two until they were resolved (it was good because it was warm).

thats when i made my transistion to blacks because i rolled solo and felt like doing bumps. i ended up on blacks all day... i found a great hill with tons of bumps but a really, really smooth edge with about a foot or so of powder. i hit bumps for half the hill, then all powder. i really dont think most of you can fathome what it feels like to glid on powder... its really amazing, honestly. you get this feeling of cloudage and a sense that nothing can hurt because when you fall, it doesn't hurt :) all you want to do is smile and laugh while you glide through the softness.

for four runs, that is what i did, killed myself on bumps then cruised on powder. yes, yes. perfect. my last run was on these soft bump blues that make you skip on your board like crazy, well, i rocked them and didn't skip. i had great training with the big bumps that the little ones were easy and super fun... get little pops while flying down passing tons of boarders and skiiers alike (granted it was a blue :) man,a great run to end on. i ended up exhausted in my car with my super confortable shoes once again (i love the feeling of putting shoes on after where boots all day). cruised home with some fiona apple, what a nice way to travel down the mountain.


ok, so howd i do? was my 'feeling' version good, worth doing, or should i stick to the short and sweet informational version? was the 'felt' version too wordy? not wordy enough? to informational? help me out. i plan to write a little shpiel(sp?) on my new ipod, but would like some critique before hand :)


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

last week

last week i went snowboarding with elvi and it was the best conditions i have been on in a long time. it was sooo cold last week in denver it scared a lot of people off the hills. we went on thursday and the hill was empty, the wind was nill, and the temp was a warm 20 or so.

it was actually a lot warmer than we thought cause we had to pull a bunch of layers off.

i have been working a ton because i want to and need to. it is good, i feel a lot more productive and things are moving forward even though it can be the slowest time of the year. i am worried i wont have time to get my business plan 2006 in order, but i think next week will be DEAD so i will concentrate on it then.

this week i will probably board again, i might go up to winterpark this time. no one else has tomorrow off, so i might be rolling solo, but that is ok. i dont mind doing that, just ski for a couple hours and chill out a bit, read, relax, think, write... all that good stuff.

simplifing my life is working ok, but still not there. maybe it is just a state of mind really because i do live pretty simply. i dont buy a lot of stuff and i only play with volleyball and music now. if i am really tired i will watch tv, but other than that, it is really quite simple.

i do drive a ton, even to go out with friends and stuff, so i think that might be ultimately what is making it hard for me to feel 'simple.' i need to spend more time in golden. maybe next fall i can get rid of my roomie and set up an office. i am not a big fan of working at home, but if i do it a day or two a week, or a portion of a day everyday, that might help too.

well see,

right now i will be working like a madman and pushing to be 'successful.'


Sunday, December 04, 2005


well, it was a nice weekend. i had a great time yesterday evening grilling out with my cousins and elvi. it was a nice evening and the chicken was great :) we were going to play cars a bit, but i still haven't dug them up from when i moved (yikes)... we had one deck, but i think we were in the mood to play with more than one... maybe it was just an excuse.

today was a good day, mainly have been working, but felt good to accomplish a bunch and get ready for the week.

now i am off to church.

after church, coffee and more weekly planning. my life will get organized! i am convinced.

i will be mucho busy at work this week and i get to ski (well board) on thursday! yay!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sweet chicago

man, i really miss chicago. just the simple pleasure of taking the el downtown, hearing the soft sounds of the tracks and seeing brick upon brick of beautiful brownstones. as i sit here looking out upon madison and wacker streets all i can think of is my time of past.

dont get me wrong, i love denver and if i ever moved back to the middlewest, it would probably be in wisconsin, but chicago always has a place in my heart.

seriously, this place is beautiful. the idea of living a simple life in complicated chicago really really appeals to me. actually, living a simple life really really sounds appealing to me. just a couple more things i need to take care of before that happens.

how can you not look upon the streets of this gritty city and not fall in love with it. its anonimity(sp?) and crazyness combined. how fabulous.

i guess i am really reflective upon simple lifestyles right now. fires, sweaters, movies, games, curled up, no cares yet struggling, low material ownership, thoughts of God, marriage, reclusion, close friends, cooking, no tv... sounds awesome.

i was at my friend randy and sarah's house and was just envious of their downtown madison apartment with lots of hardwood and built-ins. functional obsolencence, beautiful picture windows, slowness of a sunday night. awesome.

i guess i am in a quiet mood right now :)

Sunday, November 27, 2005

ok, ok

so i haven't been that great with updating my blog... but i did get to eat lots of turkey this weekend. that means that everything worked out and all is ok.

beyond the enjoyments of spending quality time relaxing with family and friends, it has been a great weekend to get away from denver for a bit. i haven't had that time alone to think much but i have a couple days of me time in chicago this week so that will make up for it. i look forward to some introspective time again.

the main reason that i haven't updated this site and others is that i kinda fell out of life the last few weeks. i checked out and just worked tons and tons. i wasn't in the mood to do much of anything else (sorry) but thats the truth. sometimes you just get in that mood, and i was there. i am looking forward to this week cause i think it is on the verge of breaking and will break once i get back to town.

i cant promise that i will be a master at this writing stuff, but i am still faithful and writing this and other things in my schedule. i just need to not procrastinate and do it. one of my biggest problems...

so that is fun, right?

anyway i do have time this week to delve more into things but since i got reemed out by everyone about my blog, i thought i would at least send a little update.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

rush of posts


so, last friday i had a little meeting with my team lead. we usually sit down and chat about business and all that jazz every week or two. regardless, i gave him my quick 20 minute agenda...

what was on that agenda you might ask? well
1. mission, vision, values -- just starting to write this out (so i thought)
2. internet leads and how to market
3. something else i can remember, probably had something do to with real estate. hehehe (anyways, it will become quite apparent that we never made it to 3, nor 2 for that matter)

so we sit down and i give him the agenda and start out by pulling out this article i found on the CIO website about mission, vision, and values. i said i am just getting into it and plan to read the article and start writing some ideas about it all. you know, the 'couple week' plan.

well, it turned into this hour and half discussion about what i believe and what i deserve. come on, really? (well, it was actually awesome, i needed it and will be doing tons of introspection over the next few months)

the crazy thing is we starting talking about perception (our core self vs. our percieved, or viewed by others, self), fears, self-worth... you name it. it was a good ole fashion counseling session about me discovering things about myself i had no idea were there.

here are a couple of highlights.

relationships... how i relate things:
1. i relate lack of modesty to someone that is condescending. hmmm
2. i relate the fact that when someone rejects me, i feel like i let them down. yikes.

of course i have a fear of rejection (see relationships part 2)
but i really think i have a fear of success. the second fear is much more of a problem than the first. i think for years i have been trying to combat my fear of rejection. and i have made some headway on it... but i truly dont believe that is my major problem... fear of success is.

anyway, i have to think about this crap for a while. i think i am getting somewhere. well, i might actually be maturing to my age again. this next year i turn 30 and i might actually start acting 30. what a concept.

oh, chicago made me younger. i lost (or didnt mature) for close to 4 years while i was in chicago. that is funny to me. i think i was more mature in high school than i was 3 years ago.

what does all this mean?

so i now have another assignment... before i can even start working on mission, vision, and values, i have to figure out what i truly believe (me, me, me, not others) and what i truly deserve.

i came up with a couple things.. but by tomorrow i will have a bunch more.

I believe in/that...
- nothing is a handout
- work is neccessary for a return
- i am a spiritual being that is driven by something bigger than me (jesus)

I deserve ...
- being compensated well when going a good job

hmmm. its a start.

anyway, i really recommend you all do this. i think it is important for every individual to come up with a mission, vision, values statement that describes who you are. i will post it when it is done.

start with what you believe and deserve. that pricks at the core. then you can extrapolate that to your 'big why' -- what you truly feel is driving you as a person. then translate that to a couple pieces of paper and keep it close. maybe you will discover you are in the wrong job, location... but i truly believe it will help you discover that you have made tons and tons of right decisions because your intuition is ultimately who you are, right?

i am who i am.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

halloween again

ok, i guess i get to re-live the weekend once again. that is fine cause it was pretty fun.

so friday night was a fun night, i actually was able to dj at my friends party. it was pretty tough, a lot more difficult than my previous dj'ing experiences. mostly because these people i did not know and i did not know their music. i heard it went well enough, so that is good. it always seems like i dont have the music people request, but does anybody? how many times at a wedding or a party do you want to hear that one song and they dont have it. well that happens to the best of us.

since i didn't have my true costume quite ready, i just quickly dressed up as an overdone rapper. that is pretty easy for me since i have the clothes and know the attitude :)

saturday rolled around and i did nothing much than recover. the night was quite long and quite late. fun, yes, but took a toll on my maximizing saturday. ahhh well, i guess i just went to work and did that for a couple hours then ran off to my house to relax. my friend, joe, convinced me to go to his house for a little gathering of folk. he wanted me to control the music, but i was done with that :) so i just showed up in my grubs and chatted with folk for an hour or two then went home. ahh sweet sleep.

so sunday rolled around and i had a big day infront of me. i told a bunch of folk that i was going to have a bbq at the house, costumes and all. that means i spent the morning preparing for it and then the rest of day entertaining and cooking and all that stuff that is required to host a bbq. it takes lots of work, but was definitely fun.

oh, i dressed up as peewee herman. cant quite do the character, so i kept quiet, did a little 'tequila dance' and kept cooking. i thought i could pull off a little peewee impersonation, but alas, i am not that talented :) might be a good thing though, peewee is kinda scary.

anyway, i spent the rest of the week working and catching up with reality. i dressed up as myself, mainly and went out and lived.

this weekend, i am just working. i am done for the day... about to do some dinner and a movie (i think i will watch saw II) and call it a saturday. tomorrow i will be working all day, do a little open house and then hit up my church.

after skipping church last weekend (bbq) i am looking forward to it again, kinda miss it.

later y'all

Friday, November 04, 2005

that's weird


i wrote up a pretty post about my festivities last weekend... it is not here. hmmm, that is too bad.

anyway, that means i have to redo it. i have time today.


Wednesday, October 26, 2005

a new leaf... again

ok, ok, so i am not the greatest at blogging. i started out well but lost it. i am determined to get it back (hang in there for me :) )

early blog life:
my life was much simpler, enjoyed spending time writing the blog and would actually spend time during the day to write. it was nice.

current blog life:
now i push everything to the evening, well, that just doesnot work for me. i always have a hard time doing these little things i enjoy late at night. not because i cant or because i dont want to, but often times because i just forget. so when life gets a little crazy (coaching), other things fall aside.

today and future blog life:
i had a revolutionary change at work which involves this thing called the 80/20 rule. essentially, 20% of what you do produces 80% of your goals/outcome/finances. so we started breaking our responsibilities down to whats important and being accountable to those 20% things. the other 80% will happen when they need to, but we NEED to get the 20% done.

so how you i apply that to personal life... well, i have started. this 20% thing is mainly for business, but our scheduling and accountability has spread a bit to personal life as well, because with real estate, personal life is very key to have in balance.

so, i put the blog on my personal goals, so i am going to start scheduling time for it. might be early, might be late. but it will start happening again. which is cool

that is my bit and i find i really like to start paragraphs with 'so', or 'i'... they're both nice.

more substance later.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.


i woke up this morning and it was a nice winter wonderland outside. most of it has melted by my house already :( but denver proper received about 4 inches of snow. breckenridge was able to capture 18 inches of goodness.

check out the fab pics.

i finished ishmael so ill write about that later...

and more Posted by Picasa

and more Posted by Picasa

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and more Posted by Picasa

more Posted by Picasa

It snowed!!! Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Weak update

So I thought I was going to be home early enough tonight to get a little laundry and what not taken care of tonight... but I ended staying at the cousins house till late.

I did end up finishing Ishmeal this weekend, which was good. It ended up being a pretty good book overall but ended up becoming pretty weak at the end. It was quite thought provoking with a completely different wayto think about how we humans play in the realm og the World. The big revelation was that humans strayed from their true evolved destiny of being part oof the community of life and is on th path of destruction because we want to control the earth and no longer be subject to the gods. I will elaborate more as it falls into placeM but for nowM that is what you get..

Tird so I am off to bed. Should be more frequent in the future.

Monday, October 03, 2005


I'll write something tonight.


Wednesday, September 14, 2005

mary, you always get me...

so this haunting feeling never has been haunting enough for me to actually sit down and write something 'meaningful.' well i received a very pleasant unsuspecting call from miss mary b. we were able to briefly catch up with each other, yell at each other for not visiting more often and i, of course me only, got a good speaken to about my lack of blogness. so, i am officially guilted into writing something 'meaningful.'

i have had a lot of stuff on my mind, like coaching, work, intentional community, existentialism, thanksgiving, girls, work, music... you name it. clutter, sweet clutter. lets go...

soo fun. high school girls are very different (peace to the pollasch's for working with them these years). i know they want to learn and do their best but they also are way way lazy and have to get their way. right now we are just working really hard at learning some fundamentals that were not taught in previous years so it will be interesting to see if they start winning games. they have heart, a bit of talent, but no team skills and their rotational offense and defense is kicking their butts. also the setters (i am a little particular) are not stepping up. yikes

what can i say about this, i am always trying to get a deal. i have will be getting a listing here ina couple of weeks, so that is tres exciting. but i need more buyers and sellers. i am way excited for my business to take off, but i just havent had that 'hit the pavement' attitude i think i need.

intentional community:
i want it. not only that, i want a mentor. my ideal week would be to interact with an intentional community of committed men who are encouraging each other to pusue God. i mean really pursue. of course their would be lots of running and hiking and drinking and smoking (pipes) and eating and biking... but it would all be surrounded by the desire to encourage each other. yeah, that sounds awesome. i also want a mentor who is beyond a peer level, my progress has been poor.

so i am reading this awesome book called "Ishmael." it is kicking my butt and allowing me to think more about why God created us the way we did. It is a very interesting and a bit simplistic view that man (civilized) is breaking the 'law of community life' and is doomed towards destruction. the way we should live is in complete balance with our wonderful earth and not trying to be in control of it. yep, that means going back to becoming wanderers and only using what we need (a big proponent of, but i still horde too much). anyway, good theory about our pursuit towards utopia, our destructive nature based on a assumed flawness in humans, and what it would look like to be in balance with the world. hmmmm.

by far my favorite holiday. i am soo excited to experience the smells, tastes, conversations, le tigre, crafts, games, family, fun, fun, fun. can't wait. making plans in my head. yay!

humpf. dont think i am going to go there right now... but they are on my mind (yikes, my singleness i catching up to me) desire a relationship, just dont want to process. word.

always on my mind... where i am going to get that next deal.

music has always been a big part of my life. i love to research it, listen to it, know it, listen to it, maybe one day produce it a bit. my goal is to slowly learn the 'behind the scenes' of music and dig in from there. i dont know a single soul in the music arena but will be up for learning. i will probably get involved in my church somehow with music. hopefully.

so i am done for now. brief yes, but i have a lot on my mind.

gotta hussle. peace

Sunday, September 11, 2005


I am being haunted by my blog to write... Too much other catch up from vaca... I will soon, some good stuff on my mind

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I am excited because I

I am excited because I am going on a hike tomorrow. Haven't been on one in a while. I think we are going to go behind boulder somewhere... Not t

Friday, September 02, 2005

im a coach now

i am finally doing what i have been wanting to do for a long, long time. coach volleyball. i am having a great time at it soo far (one week into) but it is a huge, huge, huge time commitment. oh well, you have to make time for what is important, right?

my school is Kent Denver: it is a nice school situation right in the south side of denver, actually fairly close to where i stayed when i very first moved out here. so, i am now coaching JV1 girls volleyball:

it has been really fun soo far, they really like to learn and i am giving them lots to learn since they are pretty new at the 6-2 rotation and a perimeter defense. lots to work on, passing, setting, hitting, defense, wait... that's everything.

anyway, just thought i would post that... oh, for you comment people, i have been getting comment spam a bit so i put that verification thingy in there. i apologize for the inconvienence but i really am not interested in penny stock information :)

Monday, August 29, 2005

about time

i dont know how often you get into moods like this, but i do every couple of months. you get to a point where you are soo busy with stuff that you dont even feel like writing when you have a minute. you just want to veg out. kinda poor because writing helps focus and clarify thoughts for the day and you get to spit a bit of creativity if you so desire.

i am coming out of it a bit and i am even scheduling time to write emails and blog stuff because i wouldn't get it done otherwise.

so, i started coaching girls volleyball. i am really excited to teach and train and just have a blast with a bunch of high schoolers. they are a really cool team and work really hard. i am hoping they will enjoy the season and just have a great time.

our first game is next week already, so i have a lot to do to get them in shape :)

but, it finally is starting to feel like i am succeeding a bit in my plan. i wanted to give myself 3-4 years in real estate, out here in denver, so i can develop a company and a branding and create this business that will produce freedoms (like coaching volleyball) and fullfillment. i am making headways into community, church, friends, activities. it is actually getting a bit out of control. oh well, i have never been very good at balance and i need to just start scheduling my life a lot more to create a foundational plan to accomplish all that i desire (see wayne becker).

but, these activiities (coaching, work, friendships) taken in the correct perspective, allows me to really see God in my life and in this world. i am just really blessed (for the lack of a better word) to be able to participate into these things and still make my financial needs (kind of).

over the next few months, my business and life will start to really bloom (awww) and take a life of its own. i am starting to generate this passion, enrollment aura about who i am and my work with those people i meet. i am hoping that some of this stuff creates a desire for the right people to want to work/play/build with me.

the next big step i am desiring is to get a mentor for more spiritual things. my work peership is going well and my team lead offers a mentor perspective that satifies my business side, but i am lacking in some personal coaching/accountability that i really desire.

i am also hoping to create a small community of folk to start dialoging/encouraging/challenging with and to create an enviorment of saftely and openness and worship to all of us to benefit from. this kind of life and group is starting to bubble up, we will see what kind of beast it wil become over the next few months.

sorry for all the time off, i am back now, for a while at least.


This is really cool.

This is really cool. I can now post small posts with my phone. No longer do I even need my computer

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


i will try and get something better out tonight.

got back from the midwest with my cousin's wedding and my mom was in town for a couple of days... did not have much time to write stuff :)

things are done now.

sooo we will see.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

one of those moods..

so... what's one of the saddest movies you have ever seen. I mean, the type that actually jerk at your heart? I think I found a winner tonight, or close. I guess it is not really a competition or anything like that. It's called Broken Wings and it is an Israeli movie. Essentially, it is a movie about 3 or 4 days in the life of a really messed up family.

Not only did this movie create in me a tear or two, it put me in one of those moods. I just got back from smoking a nice pipe and sipping a beer.. yeah, it was that kind of night.

your probably asking what i was thinking about? well, not much of any one topic. i was in that mood to chat with people about this and that but i did not have any pull towards one particular subject. i guess it just felt good to talk to friends. makes life get put into a lot better perspective... probably the second biggest reason why god created us like this, to love each other.

that word has always been fairly hard to get out. it is a big deal, seriously. to say that you love someone goes beyond just a relationship and enters into a new realm, something like missing a person, or longing to be with them? i am not talking about dating/married relationships either. i am talking about the genuine friendships that exist where people are willing to say they love each other.

i think i am blabbing about crazy things again. i goes from why do we exist to what really is the real meaning behind love.

seriously, did you ever think about why god would create in us a feeling/sensation/longing/whatever for something that was built in to us? why love? why physical bonds? why emotional bonds? why do people get manipulated? why do people do irrational things for other people? what is this all about?

i guess, when god created us in his likeness, there instantly became a thing in us that desired longing.

i like that word... longing.

anyway, i saw charlie and the chocolate factory last night and thought the movie was absolutely amazing.

off to reflect on longing.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

ok, ok

i feel like my creative juices have been sucked dry the last few weeks. as you can tell from my posts (or lack thereof), i have been kinda discouraged lately. i feel like i broke it a couple of days ago and things have been clicking again.

you know how you get stuck in a rut and things get so narrow. i have been feeling very suffocated lately, even after moving and working so hard. just recently i have been able to think about things big picture again, and that is cool.

the idea of having dreams that span beyond a neighborhood and enter the international realm are really exciting. i wish i had more money because i have a lot of ideas :)

subject change, kind of... i want a more routine life. anyone have any ideas? i definitely need to wake up earlier, i think my day would feel much better. i have ideas of reading more and resting more but i can not get rested right now because i feel i have so much i need to do. my life is too hectic, it is hard to accomplish my simple goals of getting outdoors more and investing more time into music and other creative mediums when i feel like i have to work all the time.

yikes, this life stuff is crazy, the day i feel like i have it all together, something will happen to shake it up. i love life.

peace yall


i will write something tonight. been running around all week and haven't had much chance to do much of any writing.

my mind is a bit clogged anyway.

Friday, July 22, 2005



been a bit swamped lately. i will have time to write something tomorrow or saturday...

it's been really hot out here as well, kinda makes you slow down. though i did go for a nice trail run tonight, yikes, will take a while to hydrate and recover again :)

oh, my desk is almost done at the house, so i wll have a place to put stuff again. then pictures, i promise


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

1 of my 43 things

i have been having a problem with snoozing lately. i need to start getting up right when my alarm clocks goes off. it is easy if i have something to get too.

Test post

I am doing 43 things.

Saturday, July 16, 2005


was watching good will hunting with my cousins last night and it made me think... uh-oh

i think a lot of people are like will hunting, they have this incredible drive to avoid change. i would say i am normally like that, but i also know what it feels like to ditch everything you know and change your life completely. i flipped my life last year and it wasn't a disaster, it wasn't perfect either. i would say the only thing i know is that it wasn't easy, but it was way way worth it. i am still picking up the pieces, life can be awkward with change because you don't know what you are getting.

i was asked fairly recently if i could do it again? start over. well, i could (but not for a while cause i don't have the cash stash to start over) but i am not going to do it alone. i actually enjoy it a bit. you get to start completely fresh. it can be frustrating, but it might just be worth it.

will hunting was scared to let people in, abandonment, rejection whatever. he relied on his head and not his heart. how normal for people in general, you get burned a couple of times so you no longer try it again. will did not know what he actually wanted, he just lived what he knew. he avoided change because he could not control it if he pursued it... but is life worth only living in what we know?

so the question i got to thinking about is, 'what do you really want?' seriously, stop reading this crap and actually think about it, but simplify it to only 'one' thing. go.


what came to your mind? i imagine the first couple things that came to your mind was something about god and intimacy? or a good life? or contentment? i had those thoughts too, because i think we are trained to answer it that way. avoid the money, wealth thing because that is selfish, avoid the fame because that is shallow. hit the god thing because that is what we are 'supposed' to think or guilt pushes us to think that way (don't take this the wrong way, it may just the best answer, but i think alot of us think of this answer through guilt of not living it now).

here is my answer... i think i want to connect with one person on a soul level where when i am in the pits, that is the one person i want to go to (or can handle)... or when i accomplish something huge, she would be the first person i would want to tell. i would give up wealth, comfort, ease just so i could have some girl to desire and desire me.

don't get me wrong, i do desire to grow close to god, to have this intimacy with him. but the problem is i don't think we physically can on earth. we were created to be consumed by god, right? but with the whole fall, we are physically separated from the creator (by creation, well skewed creation) and can only return to that when we return to the actual state we were created for. (why we have to take this earth step, i don't really know?) is my philosophy even correct? i don't know, but god desires us to journey towards him every single day of our lives, so we can have a piece of what will come.

but i am just not convinced that we can have that actual, real consuming feeling with god on earth. it is almost as if we just get glimpses of it to give us hope and to push on. the journey is the blessing, but the end will come when we live in the true presence of god.

so that leaves me to think that the one thing i want is vulnerability and intimacy with some girl (perfect for me) on earth. that that would be the ultimate glimpse of what is really coming for us because that is the ultimate one thing that we can actually comprehend here.?

that doesn't mean i am desperate at all, nor does it mean that it is the only thing that consumes me, but really, what else is more important than relationships and there are only a few relationships that can mimic what god created us for, himself.

am i wrong here? do i have it flipped, should the one thing that i really desire be intimacy with god? let the things here take second? any thoughts? did the thomas mertons, richard fosters, pauls, peters, bonhoffers, rich mullenses, brendan mannings, lewises, moodys, luthers, francaises.. did they really feel consumed by god?

its hot in denver and i am just rambling. hope you all are having a good day.


Tuesday, July 12, 2005


well, i guess it has been one of those weeks. you know, where you are pretty busy with life and just uninspired to be very creative. i have this desire to have all this important life changing philosophical stuff to say... about all these deep, meaningful thoughts that are constantly passing through my brain (yeah right) but when you dont have a lot of deep, meaningful things to think about or you ignore them to think about the busyness you have to take on, things get kinda hum drum.

i did get a chance to finish a good book the other night (albeit, pretty late) and it had to do with the whole struggle between 'we' i.e. community (soft end) or communism (hard end) vs. 'i' i.e. creative freedoms (soft end) versus selfish gain (hard end). the book (anthem, by ayn rand) comes from a completely opposite upbringing but is really thought provoking.

here was my realization, ayn rand grew up in communist russia and wrote about how true liberation is through the self (communism-- hard end vs. creative freedoms (soft end). i grew up in a complete capitolistic society and am constantly trying to incorporate community into my life (selfish gain -- hard end vs. community -- soft end). interesting. i can understand why she would write soo much about the necessity for personal freedom. i really think if she lived in a society like ours, she would almost write the opposite story... at least i would.

it is a good read, you should read it. about 120 pages, pretty quick. makes you think about how oppressive communist russia really was because community and the 'we' sense of solidarity are really quite powerful, impressive, and honestly... appealing. but the book really shuns a lot of socialist viewpoints for the sake that her experience (guess) was so rigid.

i read about how she feels the individual is the 'god,' and i think that is crap. but, coming from her background, maybe it isn't meant to be *that* strong, maybe the individual (even just a little creative self freedom) is powerful and beautiful.

even though the book was a bit extreme for my socialist tendancies, the end has a great point about using the individual mind instead of relying on the collective. i wish there was more thought about using the heart, which can include some collective yet adding personal creativitly for the ultimate good of both self and society than relying totally on the self mind to conquer all problems.

yikes, i guess i did have a little bit of creative juices in my head, probably doesnt make much sense though.

have a good day.

Friday, July 08, 2005

writer's block

i am just uninspired to write anything right now. maybe it is the heat. regardless, i may bubble up enough steam to do some writing tonight. maybe not.

i gots myself a busy weekend too.

Monday, July 04, 2005

reading and poetry

well, let me ask you all a question. i have never been much of a reader and i am interested in learning. how can you lose the anxiety of doing something else when you are reading? that's the big question. it is really difficult for me just to read books and what not. i get into a few every now and again and blaze through them. i love reading at airports and at coffee shops. maybe i should just do that, go to airports and coffee shops to get my reading fix.

but how do you live a more simplified life as a reader and have to go to a coffee house everytime i want to read? that doesn't seem like an analogous pattern. maybe it is.

golden doesn't offer much in the way of late night non-bar hang outs. well see, this whole move, simplification process is new to me. lots to learn.

tonight, i did have a great time just chill'n with some friends (neighbors actually) just around the way. we just chatted, ate, and read poetry. i really liked it, kinda like what we did back in the day before bars were the major source for social activities.

on that same line of thought, i have been thinking quite a bit about living in community of sorts. dont know how that is going to play out either because proximity community will not work since i just bought a condo, and it is fairly small. but the ideas behind community (shared lives) really appeals to me lately and i want to live it out a bit. all this stuff is just at the beginning stages but i really feel like my life will be radically different in a few years.

i think i might be the only realtor in the whole world that actually doesn't care about making tons of money and actually enjoys living in smaller spaces close to neighbors and friends. i think the american dream (crap if you ask me) is to get that big house far from your neighbors. bah, community is better.

i say that now without kids, i suppose that thought process might change, but really, is that all necessary? i have never been a white picket fence kinda guy, i actually enjoy neighborhoods with some diversity of sorts. i think schools will be a big deal for me, but i aint gonna worry about that now :)


change of topic really quick. we were chatting tonight about some music and what not and we were listening to jack johnson. one of my peeps mentioned that she loved this certain song because it makes her think of love. i think that is really cool. that happen to you? i know it does to me. i have those songs that i love to listen to because they put in a me a longing, a longing for something else. i suppose it might be love but its the longing the creates that feeling.


Thursday, June 30, 2005

as per miss mary in chi

hmmm... this is a very quick list. i have about 5 minutes before my battery runs out. i am at paris on the platte and i dont have my cord with me :(

1. music, i love music. especially not so mainstream stuff
2. ski/snowboard stuff
3. jackets... mmmm, jackets
4. shoes (see 3), size 10.5 or so depending on the brand
5. my subaru wrx
6. food, restaurants
7. outdoor activities, running, hiking, camping, biking. i am slowly turning into a gearhead out here in colorado
8. a better laptop with more battery power
9. an ipod, i need one

battery is going... will think more later and maybe add/change tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

more simplification

i had an great conversation last evening where i was able to dialog about life with this guy, Paul, who is willing to listen to my babbling and opinionated snidities(new word). two pronounced ideas have been floating through my mind last evening and into today from that conversation. those being: monestaries and the cat theory.

so, i have stated to a couple of people that i really am trying to strip my life down to a more simplified way of living. less dependance on the things that make me anxious. i have not been able to go to my house and just be ok with sitting and doing something as simple as reading. i always feel i need to be doing something or worse, i flip on the tv to avoid that feeling.

my goal is to really be comfortable with silence and solitude and all the good things that come with that so my heart can be more at rest and more importantly, my relationship with God can be more real and personal. i want to be able to enjoy simple pleasures, not be anxious for something next.

with those thoughts came the idea of a monestary. Paul knew of some friends that took a week off and went to a monestary in New Mexico to live in solitude. i really dont remember what came out of that trip for those people, i might not have been told. but i do know that that idea sparked in me a desire for the same type of thing. my vacations are full up for the year, so i am trying it with 'baby steps' over the next few months and maybe next year will be able to do something more drastic. so we will see how it goes. i know journaling/blogging is a good first step in the simplification process, it requires me to spend time with my thoughts and jot them down for the unsuspecting world to read. that is good. now i just need to get more 'in tuned' with myself.

which... brings me to my second topic; cat theory. it has come to my attention (though it has been a revelation for me for quite sometime) that i am way more of a cat than a dog. (quickly, cat and dog theory goes that cats are independant and rely on themselves, they are god. dogs are dependant and rely on their masters). it was asked of me why i really believe in God on a truly personal level... quite honestly it was hard to answer that question. i guess i have not asked that question of myself for quite sometime and thoughts were swimming in my mind about just being taught it. i ended up giving the somewhat cop-out answer of just knowing it in my core. i mean, it is the truth, i trust it in my core, but not having a somewhat logical answer drives me crazy.

without that dependance on God, it is a struggle to really have an answer to why i believe in the things i do. with this whole religion/relationship stuff, the more honest you are with yourself that you really are nothing (yet mean everything to God) and being dependant on That which knows what is best for you, the more of a dog you become (in a purely complementary way). dogs are anxious for only their masters while cats play with that which is infront of them then quicly passes it off when it gets bored. hmmm

just some thoughts. maybe i will expand more later, have to finish lunch and get back to work.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005



i have too many shoes. any suggestions on how to better organize them or arrange them in a way to maximize space and accessibility (i lost closet space). any suggestions would help besides the obvious 'get rid of some shoes' suggestion.

that goes for jackets too. dont have a hallway closet anymore. i have never been a seasonal packer, school me please.

i now have a commute

so, i went from a 10 minute commute to a 15 minute communte. i suppose it could go up to 20-25 minutes if i have bad traffice, but it is worth it. ha, ha... the funny thing is that i dont even think those numbers constitute a bad commute. it is ridiculous how denver (being 3 mil or so) is soo easy to get around in.

going from a 1 and 1/2 hour commute using 2 different cars and a train in chicago to driving alongside a nice plateau of rock and trees for most of my commute creates in a me a much happier mood... so much better in clearing the mind.

almost all moved in. just have my bedroom to complete. cant really do it until i get my computer desk (which i have to find one first). then my room and life will be complete :).

about the whole simplification process... it is going pretty well. i am choosing to put most of my things in the garage and then deciding at that point whether i should bring it in the house/use it. alot of my clutter will be out of site, which will help with me focus in on what's important. i still have too much furniture and it is pretty crappy, but hey, one thing at a time.

so, another of my goals in this moving process is to get more outside. i will tell you it is soo much easier to get outside when i am in Golden. everyday (at least the first) i see the foothills that literally surround me and i am refreshed. i do miss east colfax (most people would think that statement is funny, it is like saying they miss all the crap that comes from living in the city, but honestly, that is why i like cities... the crap) and all the 24 hour diners that come with the hustle and bustle. oh well. it was like 9:30 and it was completely (and i mean completely) quiet in my neighborhood, very weird. it is going to take some time to get used to that.

but, on the good side, i already ran into someone i know running in Golden on my first night at the house. that was really cool.

ok, gotta run, going to meet with my pastor now. have to get all spiritual.. just kidding.

Friday, June 24, 2005

buying my condo


i am buying a condo in 3 hours. not quite nervous yet, but once i step out and go to the bank to write that 'huge' check, i will probably start to freak out a bit.

otherwise, it should go fairly smoothly. i looked at the pictures i took a couple weeks ago, and they were not *that* interesting. i will take better photos and post them in the next day or two.

cant wait to get a garage! though i lose my gear closet. i guess i will have to put something up in the garage for all my gear. i suppose that is the price i pay to move to golden. i am looking forward to building a couple shelves and hooks to keep my gear in the garage. i even have a place to put my open house signs.

gots to run to the bank.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

And this... Posted by Hello

This is why I moved to Colorado... Posted by Hello

Sunday, June 19, 2005

pop stand

father's day is soo weird. i think on one hand it is absolutely necessary to have a day where you can reflect on the father figure in your life. i suppose that comes with mixed emotions for a lot of people. on the other hand, it is really odd to have a day dedicated to 'father's.' it goes the same with all the 'personal' holidays we have, don't you think birthday's cover the 'thought' days for individuals?

we are such a comsumeristic society that the world of materials uses these days to slaughter us with this guilt to purchase junk for people we love. i don't think these holidays are used as effectively as they should be. it always seems like someone has to get a buck off these things.

i did think our church service tonight was pretty good (even though i really did not want to be there). there was quite a bit of discussion about father's and even the sermon was about God being a Father unlike the father's we have here on earth. the point of my church service (i think) was to get the idea that God does not take on any characteristics of any earthly fathers but is soo beyond the typical father role. the other point (i think again) is to say that it is some sort of blasphemy to react to God like how we react (or have reacted) to our fathers. i guess that makes sense, it is just weird having timely topical discussions around holidays i am not sure were even created for the right reasons... (research time) link_one, link_two. ok, so i was wrong, it was created for the right reasons. but why do these discussions always happen ONLY on these special holidays. you would think that it is important enough to be brought out on a more random basis (well i really like expository teaching, so the Father topic would be covered plenty if most churches taught int he expository way).

the good thing for me is that i did get to chat with my pops for a few minutes today. i suppose i probably would have done so anyway because it was about that time, but i got to anyway.

i wonder how many people really struggle on days like these?

man, my mind is all over the place. oh well.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Friday Afternoon

It's pretty hot here in Denver. I think it hit 90 today. Feels good though, you know the little sweat you get on your back as you drive around. That is summer.

The main thing that consumes me lately is my job. I suppose getting going in the real estate business seemed a lot easier when you talk with people or read books and what not. I have a lot of excuses like being new to Denver and not knowing too many people, but really it comes to just requiring myself to hit the pavement and get any deal I can until I make it in this business.

The other big thing that consumes me is my new house I am getting. I will be moving to Golden in a week or two and am really excited about it. I haven't started packing yet, but tonight sounds like a good night to start. I have to do laundry anyway... mmmm, laundry on a Friday night.

I will get pictures up for the place soon.

Let's see. I am going to pick up a roommate as well, and simplify my life. I mean it too. I have too much stuff and too much stuff going on. So, I meet with this guy, Bob, next Wednesday to see if we get along. He is an IT guy that works for some company that takes pictures from planes and formats them to the company and what not that desires to use the photographs. I guess it is kinda like satellite stuff. Sounds pretty cool

Anyway, that is pretty good for now. I have to go and walk some flyers around for my open houses this weekend.

Oh, my cousins are moving to D-town next week. I am really excited that they are moving out here. (Cousin and soon-to-be Cousin-in-law to be exact).


me Posted by Hello

A new leaf of sorts...

So I think I might start updating my life a bit with this thing. It is convenient but to do it regularly will be difficult. We will see how it goes...

Trying this picture post thing out... Posted by Hello