Wednesday, June 29, 2005

more simplification

i had an great conversation last evening where i was able to dialog about life with this guy, Paul, who is willing to listen to my babbling and opinionated snidities(new word). two pronounced ideas have been floating through my mind last evening and into today from that conversation. those being: monestaries and the cat theory.

so, i have stated to a couple of people that i really am trying to strip my life down to a more simplified way of living. less dependance on the things that make me anxious. i have not been able to go to my house and just be ok with sitting and doing something as simple as reading. i always feel i need to be doing something or worse, i flip on the tv to avoid that feeling.

my goal is to really be comfortable with silence and solitude and all the good things that come with that so my heart can be more at rest and more importantly, my relationship with God can be more real and personal. i want to be able to enjoy simple pleasures, not be anxious for something next.

with those thoughts came the idea of a monestary. Paul knew of some friends that took a week off and went to a monestary in New Mexico to live in solitude. i really dont remember what came out of that trip for those people, i might not have been told. but i do know that that idea sparked in me a desire for the same type of thing. my vacations are full up for the year, so i am trying it with 'baby steps' over the next few months and maybe next year will be able to do something more drastic. so we will see how it goes. i know journaling/blogging is a good first step in the simplification process, it requires me to spend time with my thoughts and jot them down for the unsuspecting world to read. that is good. now i just need to get more 'in tuned' with myself.

which... brings me to my second topic; cat theory. it has come to my attention (though it has been a revelation for me for quite sometime) that i am way more of a cat than a dog. (quickly, cat and dog theory goes that cats are independant and rely on themselves, they are god. dogs are dependant and rely on their masters). it was asked of me why i really believe in God on a truly personal level... quite honestly it was hard to answer that question. i guess i have not asked that question of myself for quite sometime and thoughts were swimming in my mind about just being taught it. i ended up giving the somewhat cop-out answer of just knowing it in my core. i mean, it is the truth, i trust it in my core, but not having a somewhat logical answer drives me crazy.

without that dependance on God, it is a struggle to really have an answer to why i believe in the things i do. with this whole religion/relationship stuff, the more honest you are with yourself that you really are nothing (yet mean everything to God) and being dependant on That which knows what is best for you, the more of a dog you become (in a purely complementary way). dogs are anxious for only their masters while cats play with that which is infront of them then quicly passes it off when it gets bored. hmmm

just some thoughts. maybe i will expand more later, have to finish lunch and get back to work.

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